NFL Picks of the Week: Week 11, with Cheerleaders, and Scientific Analysis and Pictures, Oh my!!!

Carolina TopCats vs St. Louis

Green Bay cannot even field a squad. The game is left wide open for New England.

Male cheerleaders are one thing (in small doses), but this guy? The boot of an Atlanta cheerleader is hotter.

Kansas City vs the Oakland Raiderettes.

Houston vs the Buffalo Jills. I'd like to play tug of war with them...

Minnesota fades in a flash vs Miami.

New Orleans Saintsations featuring my cheerleader crush vs the Cincinnati Ben-Gals. Grrrar.

Philadelphia knows a thing or two about cheerleaders. Tennessee does not stand a chance.

Tampa Bay vs Washington.

Detroit is another team that fails to even field a squad. Even Arizona (Matt Leinart) gets lucky every now and then...

Seattle vs San Francisco Gold Rush.

Cowgirls! Indianapolis vs Dallas.

Game of the week! San Diego Charger Girls vs Denver.

I had my first losing round of picks last week. This is not acceptable. Since this is that time of season where every year the games are screwy and good team lose to bad, and bad to good, I'm just going to throw my whole book right out the window. I am going to use one simple method of analysis. An element of football that has survived from as far back as the game existed, the cheerleader. This week I am picking each game based on who has the hotter cheerleader squad. I'll of course include plenty of pictures to help illustrate my points.

This is not as simple as it sounds. I spent hours on research, long grueling hours ;-) I visited every squads website. Looked at every picture. Ogled every cheerleader. This was long and exhausting work. But I had my duty to present only the best material to you, my readers. You deserve nothing left.

There are even a few ways for squads to get bonus points. Swimsuit Calendars, good nicknames, other "extras," these all add a point or two to the final score. For due diligence I also included a link to each squads website so that you could "recreate" my research if you so desired to double check my results. As Cash might say, that's just good science. And that is what I have here for you, my scientific analysis of each and every squad based on their hotness levels to model for the purpose of predicting the outcome of each NFL game this week. Pure science!

Enjoy!

CAROLINA over St. Louis (+7)

Right off the bat the Carolina squad picks up some points for having their own name, the Carolina TopCats. Next, add in a few more for form-fitting spandex uniforms rather than the loser "flashy" more traditional garb St. Louis favors. St. Louis does gain a few points of their own with a Cheerleader Calendar, "All Swimsuit Edition". The final showdown involves the girls themselves, where you can see for yourself that Carolina puts St. Louis to shame.

New England (-6) over GREEN BAY

No challenge, as Green Bay does not even field a cheerleader unit! The Patriot's girls were ready for a challenge with their own Cheerleader Swimsuit Calendar.

Atlanta (+4) over BALTIMORE

Upset of the Week

Atlanta will stun Baltimore with an upset and it won't even be close. Atlanta's cheerleaders are hot enough themselves, but then they face a Baltimore squad that features a significant fraction of male cheerleaders. Hell, I'll even quote Bring It On, Male cheerleaders, enough said. To add insult to injury, the male cheerleaders are not even all in shape, just take a look to my example on the right. A few male cheerleaders as eye candy for the lady fans is fine, but this guy? Yeah, huge upset win for Atlanta this week.

Oakland (+10) over KANSAS CITY

The Chiefs Cheerleaders put up a strong challenge, they are hot, solid uniforms, and solid gallery. However, the Raiderettes blow them out of the water. First, they set the mood just right with a sweet flash intro, next they get some of those nickname points, and finally their photo gallery is top-notch, though it lacks a sampling of game day photos featuring the entire team. One negative is not enough to bring down this hot squad. Raiderettes all the way!

Buffalo (+2½) over HOUSTON

The Buffalo Jills are another squad to attack on multiple fronts. They sport a nickname, Swimsuit Calendar, and they add in some top notch activities such as a softball team and a tug-of-war (pictured). This is not to say that the Texans don't give it a good effort, but they just fail to go that extra mile.

MIAMI (-3½) over Minnesota

Considering this is Miami, a hot spot for hot people, I'm actually a little disappointed in the Miami cheerleader squad. They do get some bonus points though for through the perfect picture of three very hot racially diverse ladies front and center on their homepage. That was just enough to inch them ahead of the solid effort of the Minnesota squad. I love their intro picture as well featuring the whole team just laying about. However, they lost by a hair based on their use of flash preventing me from posting a picture in this article. Every point counts in my cheerleader challenge!

NEW ORLEANS (-3½) over Cincinnati

Now here's a challenge, two teams face off with nicknames! The bar has been raised. The Cincinnati Ben-Gals (Get it? How clever!) throw down the gauntlet with their Bengal-striped uniforms. However, the New Orleans Saintsations are more than happy to pick it right up. They are only one two teams, the other being the Buffalo Jills, who sports their own website, separate from the football team's domain. You may have seen that specific picture of a Saintsation a few other places before, but that's only because I have a complete sports crush on her... I guess that means I'll have to pick the Saints as the winners, but it is not like the Saintsations didn't earn it on their own. Besides that Ben-Gal pictured is a bit scary... I think she may have been a little to into her act.

Chicago over NEW YORK JETS (+7)

Neither team field cheerleader squads. I make this pick because the Jets are my team, and if I pick for the upset then no way would the football gods ever let them win. If I pick against them, they have a chance.

PHILADELPHIA (-13) over Tennessee

Lock of the Week

This is a hands down no competition. The Eagles have their cheerleaders down pat. From the skimpiest uniforms to an "age-appropriate content" warning before you can even enter their site, the Eagle's Cheerleaders are one hot bunch. Wonder why they need that content warning? Could it be that they have taken the Cheerleader Calendar to another level, skipped the swimsuits and went strait to a Lingerie Calendar (Maybe NSFW)? It's not that the Tennessee squad is but ugly, it's just that they had no chance against the Eagle's Cheerleaders rush.

CLEVELAND (+3½) over Pittsburgh

Another cheerleader-less battle. Next!

TAMPA BAY over Washington

This is a close one. There's not even a spread! Bookies must have known that I was picking based on cheerleaders because there two teams are exactly evenly matched. Both teams even offer Swimsuit Calendars! The Washington squad even offers trading cards, but the advertisements for the Tampa Bay Cheerleaders Swimsuit Calendar overcomes those cards to squeak by for the win.

ARIZONA (-2½) over Detroit

Detroit forfeits from the start and fails to field a squad. Take a gander at the Arizona squad in the mean time. I wonder which of them Matt Leinart will "date."

SAN FRANCISCO over Seattle

A scorching match. Seattle Sea Gals have that nickname going for them, while the San Francisco Gold Rush have a nickname Swimsuit Calendar and Magazine(!) going for them. Despite the Sea Gals featuring perhaps my favorite cheerleader, next to that Saintsation, the Gold Rush just go a few too many extra miles.

Indianapolis (-2) over DALLAS

In a surprise, the Indianapolis Cheerleaders pull of the cowgirl look far better than the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders! Besides, how on earth is the Dallas squad not nicknamed the "Cowgirls"? The Dallas Cheerleaders are as disappointing as their team has been. They are not terrible, but they could be so much more.

San Diego (+3) over DENVER

Game of the Week

The Game of the Week pits two scorching hot squads against each other. The San Diego Charger Girls pull off a very simple, but very hot uniform, while the Denver Cheerleaders go for something a bit fancier, but still stunning. The Denver squad may offer a calendar, but the Charger Girls win out on based on nickname and just general overall hotness.

New York Giants (+3) over JACKSONVILLE

The Giants are another team that fail to see the advantage of cheerleaders. How unfortunate for their fans. However, the Jaguars have a squad that is good in looks, but their website uses flash, which prevents me from posting their pictures here and it does not render properly in firefox. What good is a cheerleader squad if I cannot enjoy browsing their pictures? It is far worst to tease a man with the promise of a squad and then fail to deliver than it is to just not have a squad at all. Advantage, New York.

Newsvine Hi-Lo Picks of the Week

For those of you who don't actually want to read my column, you can just skip to the end and read these:

• HI: New Orleans
• LO: Minnesota

A Blast from the Past

• Straight Up: 7-9 last week, 87-57 for the season
• Vs. Spread: 9-7 last week, 76-62-6 for the season
• Game of the Week: 7-3
• Lock of the Week: 9-1
• Upset of the Week 4-6
• Hi-Lo: 18 points last week, 66 points for the season

The Ground Rules

Home team in CAPS, spread in ( paren ), and if the spread is after the victor then they will cover it, if the spread is after the loser then it will not be covered.

Spreads are taken from bodog.com as of 2:00 AM on Friday, November 17th. I don't do lines.

Back To Top